Newsletters for Mental Health
Jennifer Worman, Counseling Intern
April 2013
The differences between aggressive and assertive behavior can be confusing to some people. An individual’s fear of becoming, or appearing to be, an aggressive person can lead them to using passive behavior in group situations at work, school, or their personal lives. Individuals may fear that if they express wants and desires that differ from those of the group they may appear aggressive. This fear then leads to them holding back their desires and not speaking up. Getting a better understanding of the differences between aggressive and assertive behavior can help individuals learn to express their needs and wants in group settings more effectively.
Passivity: the act of withholding own needs in a group setting.
- This individual denies themselves the power to discuss their needs and wants in the group and focuses exclusively on the needs of others.
Aggression: the act of initiating hostile or invasive interactions with group members.
- This individual focuses on their own needs and ideas and becomes angry when their needs are not met.
Assertion: the act of utilizing bold or confident interactions with the group.
- This individual will express their needs in a non-confrontational way while remaining open to the needs of others in the group.
Characteristics of a passive person:
- Refrains from stating their opinions
- Is afraid to speak up
- Avoids looking at others in the group
- Isolates from the group conversation
- Values own opinion less than others'
- Fails to stand up for their rights
- Has a hard time saying "no"
- Struggles with making decisions
- Easily changes opinion to fit with the group
Characteristics of an aggressive person:
- Attacks or ignores others’ opinions
- Interrupts or talks over others
- Stares down or intimidates others
- Controls the group
- Values own opinion over others'
- Expresses their needs in a hostile way
- Makes demands rather than requests
- Disregards the rights of others
- Interacts with sarcasm and labeling of others
Characteristics of an assertive person:
- Speaks openly in the group, states opinions respectfully
- Makes good eye contact
- Participates in the group and expresses their opinion
- Values own opinion equal to others’
- Able to say "no" without guilt
- Able to express warmth, affection, and praise sincerely
- Takes responsibility for making decisions that will affect them
- Is direct and honest about their needs and wants without putting others’ needs down.
How can we practice and increase assertive behavior?
An assertive individual can state their needs in a group without humiliating or putting down others. They are able to listen to and validate others opinions while also presenting their own ideas in a constructive way. Assertive communication is a way to get your point across while maintaining a good relationship with the group members.
1: Be Clear
To be assertive you first have to ask yourself, "what are the facts in this situation and how do I feel about them?” Being clear with yourself about what you want or need in a given situation will help you behave assertively to express what you need.
2: Explore your Boundaries
Once we know what we want we need to understand what we would be willing to accept. Be clear with yourself and the group about what you will tolerate and what you desire.
3: Be Aware of your Body Language
After we have decided what, we want and what we will not accept in a given situation, we have to be aware of how we present this information to the group. Using words that help us be direct, open, and honest are important while avoiding words that are confrontational or demanding. Paying attention to our tone of voice is also important. We want to sound confident and calm not angry or controlling. Using "I" statements is a good way to get your point across without appearing aggressive or accusatory ("I feel that we should . . ." "I need . . .").
4: Consider Others
Now that you have expressed your needs to the group, to behave assertively instead of aggressively, you must also allow the other team members space to express their needs and boundaries. Although these needs may be different from your own it is important to give them the time and respect you would want them to grant you.
5: Remain Calm
Staying calm is important. Just because you decided to behave in an assertive way does not mean that the other members of the team will respond similarly. Be prepared for aggression or passivity in response to your assertive communication. Remaining calm and not rising to the level of a fellow aggressive team member will keep the situation from escalating. If you get an aggressive response remember to stand your ground in a firm but polite manner. Be willing to compromise so no one in the group has to give up complete control of the situation.
6: Practice
Although for some people behaving assertively comes natural, for others this may be something we need to learn and practice. If you are going into a situation where you know you may be prone to aggressive or passive communication, go over steps one through five before meeting with the group. Identify which areas you need the most work on and focus on addressing those each time you are in a group setting.
Utilizing assertive communication style will not guarantee that you will always get what you want or need out of a situation. It will, however, reduce the amount of conflict you encounter and increase the likelihood that you will get your needs met without resorting to humiliating or putting other people down.
MSOE Counseling Services creates monthly newsletters on mental health concerns and psychological issues. You can view the complete list of downloadable Counseling Services Newsletters.
MSOE Counseling Services is located on the second floor of the Kern Center (K-230). To schedule an appointment with a counselor, call (414) 277-7590 or visit the Counseling Services homepage.